A lot of people tend to think that you only need a coach once you start having issues in your relationship. And while it’s true a coach can help you and your partner a lot once your problems become too big for you to handle alone, it’s even better if you start working on yourself before entering a relationship.
Here’s why that is and how a dating coach prepares you for a relationship.
We All Have Our Issues
This goes without saying! We are all individuals with our own unique set of genes, upbringing, life experiences… And what arises out of those are certain beliefs we all hold about ourselves, which are often unconscious.
For example, one person may think they’re smart, capable, attractive, and that they can deal with whatever life throws at them. Another person may hold opposite beliefs - that they’re not that good-looking, not very smart, and incapable of dealing with any larger struggle that comes their way.
Now imagine having the second set of beliefs and entering a relationship. The first time your partner does something that ends up hurting you - goes out without telling you where and with who, introduces a lady friend he seems to be close to… How do you think you’ll react? You’ll likely withdraw yourself, give him the silent treatment, and end up hating yourself in a “well what else did you expect, you don’t deserve much better” kind of way. Faced with such a reaction, your partner will probably get angry and distance himself, and even before you come to a dating coach for help, there will already be a rift in your relationship.
Past Relationships Can Affect Us… A Lot.
If your last relationship didn’t end too well, or if it was unhealthy from the start, chances are you’re still carrying that baggage with you. What I often see is this idea that the right one will heal you from all that past trauma, show you how great love can be, and you’ll live happily ever after!
The truth is - no one has a responsibility to “fix us”. That responsibility lies on us alone, and it’s very selfish to expect someone else to be there for us through all our low self-esteem, angry outbursts, possessive jealousy, and all of it because “that’s the way we are and there’s nothing we can do about it”. The whole idea of “if someone truly loves me they’ll be there through thick and thin and hold me as I fall apart and attempt nothing to help myself” is a pretty unhealthy one.
A dating coach helps you take control over your own life, understand your role in accepting what happened in your past relationship, and work on overcoming the issues that came out of it. So if your last partner ended up cheating on you, it’s likely you now have trust issues. But controlling your new partner obsessively won’t help you overcome them - it will only cause him to get fed up and leave. Instead, you can work on recognizing real red flags and enjoying your relationship when there are none.
But working on it in the middle of your relationship can be tricky, and they may end up leaving before you’ve solved the issue, affecting your progress.
Work On Yourself First
That’s why going to a dating coach before entering a relationship is a much better idea. A dating coach will help you uncover the deeply held beliefs about yourself (conscious and unconscious) so you can understand how they’re stopping you from having the kind of relationship you want. You’ll figure out how those beliefs even formed in the first place and work hard on changing them into something more realistic and useful.
There are plenty of techniques to get you there - when it comes to us who base our sessions on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, we work on three levels: cognitive, emotional, and behavioral. What that means is you get to understand your deeply held beliefs, change your emotions toward yourself and accept yourself fully, and practice what you’ve learned out in the real world. Give it a go - you have nothing to lose, but a lot to gain!