“Come on, concentrate, you can do it! I have to have an orgasm this time, otherwise I’ll end up really cranky and he’ll be disappointed. Oh no, is he getting tired? Well, that’s it I guess - better luck next time!”
If this is what your brain thinks about while you’re having sex - you’re not alone! Most of us, most of the time, can’t stop our brains from going into overdrive during something that should be pure pleasure. It’s like we simply can’t let ourselves surrender to it without having an ulterior motive.
But the truth is - surrendering to our lover without having to evaluate every thought that comes into our mind is the closest we can ever be to them. It might sound frightening, impossible even, but trust me that it’s neither of those things. If you practice it enough, you’ll be able to let yourself go, and you’ll soon be aware of how much you’ve been missing out on all along!
But let’s go slow and explain concepts one by one. First off:
What is Mindfulness?
Mindfulness is “the psychological process of purposely bringing one's attention to experiences occurring in the present moment without judgment”. Most of the time, we’re either living in the past or worrying about the future - but we are so incredibly rarely enjoying the present moment fully! Just imagine how many nice meals, good laughs, and, yes - amazing sex - you’ve been absent for during your life. It makes you kinda sad, doesn’t it?
Probably the most common misinformation about mindfulness is that it’s all about meditation. And while yes, meditation can be part of the initial training, once you’ve understood and mastered the main concepts, you can practice and experience it during any activity. It’s all about focusing your attention to the thing you’re doing at that moment without giving it adjectives or starting a swarm of thoughts about it. It’s about the pure feeling and experience free not ruled by thought.
A great way to practice it can be meditation or yoga, and here are some tips on how to start.
Mindfulness in Sex
Here’s the part you’ve all been waiting for! How can we be mindful during sex and what results can we expect?
Well, let’s think for a second about our usual, everyday experiences with sex. You go through all the motions, and it’s not like you don’t enjoy them (at least I hope you do!), but there is always a goal at the end of it, isn’t it? And the goal is - orgasm.
If you’re at the place where having sex is more important to you than reaching orgasm at any cost, then you’re on the right track! But most people aren't quite there yet, and they keep telling themselves these unrealistic, impractical thoughts that lead them into unhealthy emotions:
“If I can’t reach an orgasm, I’m not woman enough.” - has you feeling down, maybe even depressed
“If he can’t give me an orgasm, he’s not a good enough lover or he simply doesn’t care!” - Leads you into anger
“What if I can never enjoy sex 100%?” - Pushes your right into anxiety
And so on, and so forth. But when you’re entering the arena of sexual pleasure - something that should be free of all thought and full of bodily sensations - with this mindset, do you really think you’re raising your chances of reaching an orgasm? Highly unlikely! All you’re doing is evaluating every single sensation that goes through your body, putting it in one of two bins: “Oh yes, here we go, I'm getting closer” or “Oh no, I’m never getting there!”
But what do you think happens when you leave all judgement outside of your bedroom?
Now, don’t get me wrong: the goal here isn’t to stop any thought from entering your mind - you'd have to move to Nepal and meditate for hours every day for 20 years to get there! The goal is that the thoughts entering your mind stay there without judgement or expectations. So if the thought is “He’s touching me just where I like”, you stop there and let yourself enjoy it, instead of continuing with a “That means I’m getting closer to an orgasm!” and going right back to those unhealthy feelings.
If you get in there determined to enjoy the journey and, sure - have strong preferences about reaching an orgasm, but not demanding it at every cost and letting your every sane thought get back to that idea - you’re actually raising your chances of reaching maximum pleasure. (Bonus advice: don't be scared to spice it up: https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/ )
What a paradox, right?
By not enjoying every kiss, not feeling every touch with your whole being, and not being focused on every sensation just as it is, you’re missing out on a lot of pleasure, orgasm or not. And isn't orgasm far more likely when you have all these amazing sensations coursing through your body? So the next time you’re having sex, try not evaluating your thoughts, appreciating your partner, and letting yourself enjoy every sensation fully. And if you find out what I’m saying here is true, well - share this article so others can enjoy it as well!