Whether you’ve been married for six months or twenty years, getting divorced from a person you once believed you’d spend your life with is never easy. This blog post is here to help you reinvent yourself after the divorce and adjust to your new normal.
Dos and Don’ts After the Divorce
Let’s start with what you can do and what you have complete control over. Do…
Plan Out Your Days
This may sound too mundane, but it’s a very important step to adjusting and living your life to the fullest without falling into endless cycles of “could have”s and “should have”s. By writing out a plan for each day you’re ensuring you have joyful activities to look forward to along with work and chores, and all of these activities won’t give you too much time to ruminate about the past.
The daily plan you make for yourself should, ideally, look like this:
That way you’re taking care of all your responsibilities while focusing on your self-care as well!
See Friends Regularly
One of the things on your daily plan should, at least two times a week, be “meet up with friends”. The last thing you need after the divorce is to sit around alone and give yourself time to think about all the mistakes you have made!
Now, let me be clear - reinventing yourself after the divorce doesn’t mean not acknowledging your mistakes. But focusing on them solely so you can feel guilty and hate yourself will lead you nowhere.
Throw a “Divorce Party”
Have you ever wondered why we celebrate every big change in our lives - birthdays, graduation, weddings ... we even celebrate someone’s life when they pass away - but we don’t celebrate divorce? The reason is simple: most people, regardless of society’s apparent acceptance of divorces, still see it as something shameful, thinking:
You couldn’t keep your family together.
You made a wrong choice.
You’re 40 and alone!
It shouldn’t be that way! Leaving an unhappy marriage and choosing self-care and your own life instead is reason enough to celebrate, so do that! Invite your friends and family over, reminisce over the good things and celebrate everything great that’s waiting for you. Think of how your life got better since the divorce and list all the positive things you can now enjoy. And make sure there’s, a cake, too, or some of these adorable cupcakes: https://www.wickedgoodcupcakes.com/)
Compare Yourself To Others
Thinking irrationally and against our best interests is (unfortunately) in our blood. So right after the divorce, as you’re undressing to go to sleep alone, or as you’re looking at happy couples on the street, you may find yourself thinking you’re somehow worth less because your marriage didn’t work out, and theirs did.
But as compelling as your arguments may sound, remember that we are all different. They may have found someone they’re still happy with, but so many others didn’t and got divorced, just like you! You should also remember that it takes two to tango, and that you’re not the only one who’s gotten divorced - your partner has, too. So while your best friend’s husband acts like a great guy and puts in maximum effort, your own husband may have failed to do so.
And even if you did make many mistakes that led to your divorce, it doesn’t make you a lesser person. It makes you flawed as we all are, and it definitely doesn’t mean you will never find love again. Following up on that, don’t...
Give Up on Love, But Don’t Chase it Blindly
Finding the golden middle in the months to come is crucial for your wellbeing, happiness, and a successful love life. Give yourself some time to grow and find joy within yourself. Only when we are able to be happy alone, we’ll be able to be truly happy and in a healthy relationship with someone else. So take up that hobby you’ve always wanted to try, go out dancing if your ex-husband was always against it, and work on your own happiness and personal development. Don’t spend time thinking how another day has passed and you still haven’t met anyone and that has to mean you’re completely unlovable and you’ll die alone!!!
The main difference between giving up on love and focusing on yourself first is that in the first case, your thoughts range from “I’ll never marry again” to “I’m worthless”, while in the second one you’re thinking “I’ll probably find someone again one day, but it’s best I focus on myself first so when that someone arrives, I can start creating a happy relationship with them.” The latter sounds like a better option, doesn’t it?
The other extreme on the continuum could be a fear of being single so great you perceive every man in your life as a potential mate, and try to convince yourself they’re the one just so you wouldn’t have to stay alone. That same “I’ll stay alone forever” then turns into “I mustn’t stay alone forever!” and forces you to jump from date to date, not really paying attention to yourself, and convincing yourself with every failed attempt that - yep, you’re definitely staying alone, better get used to it!
That’s why focusing on yourself without absolutely needing to find someone, but being mentally ready when someone arrives is the best approach for you to reinvent yourself into a confident person.
And one final piece of advice - don’t…
Stalk Them on Social Media
This is a huge don’t! For one, you’re not going to get over them very easily if you’re constantly checking up on them. You’ll simply have to accept that they’ll have their own life now, one that doesn't involve you (or that involves you to a far lesser degree than what you’re used to).
Besides, when was the last time you put something online that showed you were alone and unhappy? We usually put photos/statuses on social media when we’re feeling our best, creating a false image of happiness and pure bliss! And even if he really was happy - then what? He’s moved on, and you have the right to do the same. By following these do’s and don’t’s, you can and you will. Stay strong, keep on growing, and if you need someone to talk to, feel free to schedule a free consultation with me.