Giving up is easy, isn’t it? You’ve had a couple of bad dates, some painful break ups, and you’ve started thinking that you’re simply not cut out for finding a suitable partner. As long as you’re thinking this, one of the two things will happen.
One, you’ll give up on dating completely and remain alone. This isn’t a bad thing per se as long as you’re doing it because you truly prefer it. But given that people are social beings, and the majority of us strive towards finding a partner, chances are you’re running away from something that seems too hard, or even impossible, only to remain unhappy.
Option number two is, you’ll find someone who likes you and decide to start a relationship with them even though you don’t really feel much for them - in simple terms, you’ll settle.
And again, none of these things are the end of the world - you can find a way to lead a happy life regardless of your relationship status, as there are many things in life that can make us happy. But the truth of the matter is, you can live an even happier and more fulfilled life if you overcome your fears and the notion that finding a suitable partner shouldn’t be so hard, and because it is, that’s simply awful! - and after all, if you can’t find a great partner when everyone else seems to be able to, doesn’t that make you worthless?
In short - of course it doesn’t! Just like doing one thing well doesn’t make you an infallible human being, the image of perfection, struggling to achieve something - even if it’s finding a partner - doesn’t make you a lesser person, either.
So let’s start changing this way of thinking and give you a better chance to enter the dating arena free of irrational thinking and obstacles you've set in front of yourself.
Thoughts That Prevent You From Living Your Love Life to the Fullest
One of the irrational thoughts you might have when it comes to dating is:
Finding the right person shouldn’t be this hard, and because it is, it’s awful, so I might as well give up.
It’s true that for some, finding a partner is easier than for others. But a general rule is - people who are happy with themselves, who are full of self-love and self-acceptance, are more outgoing and bounce back after rejection fairly easily. This makes them more likely to continue looking for a great partner no matter what, as they are rational and ready to make mistakes and learn from them.
Now when you compare that description with the demanding way of thinking I mentioned first, it’s clear that the two are vastly different. The kind of person more likely to find a suitable partner will be thinking more along the lines of:
So, my last three relationships were a bust, and all the men I’ve gone out with since weren’t a good fit. It really sucks - all of it! - and I’m sad that it didn’t work out, but there must be a reason for it all. Let me see what I can learn from my previous relationships and choices and what I can change in my future endeavors to raise my chances of finding a suitable partner.
As you can see, your first task is to start viewing dating as hard and tricky, but not too hard, nor impossible! Next, identify the resources you already possess (your positive personality traits, your physical attributes, the things you’ve learned from previous mistakes) and those you can work on acquiring.
For example, if your last relationship ended because you insisted on your partner proving their love to you constantly, work on your relationship anxiety. If the issue was you overlooking certain red flags in your relationship, work towards seeing the people in your life in a rational, rather than idealist light. Once you’ve accomplished these things, you’ll not only be more self-accepting and self-loving (which is a prerequisite for any successful partnership!), but you’ll start looking at hardships of dating as something normal and expected, rather than something that shouldn’t exist!
And after all, just ask yourself: “Is all of this worth it?” If you find that it is, list all the reasons for it and keep that in mind when it gets hard and you slip back towards your previous way of thinking.
The second common irrational thought that might stop you from looking any further is:
If everyone around me can find fitting partners and date successfully, and I can’t, that makes me worthless! There’s something seriously wrong with me when I can’t seem to, out of billions of people on this planet, find one I can be happy, and stay happy, with!
This line of thinking is likely to get you feeling down and even hating yourself. And once you’re feeling that way, no wonder you don’t have the energy to go through the whole ordeal of meeting new people, going out with them, getting to know them…
I’ve said it in the very beginning of this article: not being able to find a mate never, ever makes you worthless, or completely wrong. After my previous relationships ended, it took dating several people throughout almost two years to find the one I really connected with and could grow with. What I found really helped me through the process was not seeing either of those unsuccessful dates as a bust - and not seeing my previous relationship as something horrible, either!
I understood that with every partner that turns out to not be a fit, I’ve learned more about myself and about the things I like, dislike, am willing to tolerate, and aren’t willing to tolerate at all. And with each new adventure (yep, I labeled them as adventures, because that’s what they are, right? Delving into the unknown and learning a lot of useful skills along the way) I loved and accepted myself equally, whether it was me who decided I wasn’t interested, or the other party. Through accepting and loving myself, through my personal development, my unwillingness to give up (because with so many people out there I’m bound to find one I truly like who truly likes me back!), I remained open to love and I eventually found it.
So I'm speaking from experience when I tell you - not being able to find a great partner right now, or next year, or three years from now doesn’t change your worth in any way! You may feel like that - I did, too, before I started accepting myself no matter what - but we all live different lives, look for different things, and, frankly, some people are more lucky than others. So keep on loving and accepting yourself, and you’re raising your chances of finding love. But no matter what happens, remember: it doesn't change your worth.
The final line of thinking that can throw us into some unhealthy emotions and questionable life choices is this:
I’ve tried finding the perfect partner and it just isn't happening, so I better settle.Having any kind of partner is better than being alone!
In a lot of ways, society has led us to believe that our main goal in life is to find a great guy and get them to marry you! There are so many movies whose sole purpose is to prove that point over and over again.
Now, I’ll be perfectly honest with you: most of us really do want that, and it’s perfectly natural - we are social beings, we want someone to love us who we can rely on, have a family with… But that is not our only purpose in life, nor is it the only love that counts.
A lot of people end up never marrying and yet living out happy lives (we all have that one aunt who’s never been married, is constantly traveling, and always brings money/candy whenever she drops by). So if you’re looking to settle only because you’re afraid that’s it for you and you believe you’re somehow a lesser person if you don’t have a partner - you might want to rethink that. Simply ask yourself:
Which will bring me more happiness long-term?
Because if you understand that not having a partner isn’t the end of the world, but you’re simply happier having one even if it’s not the kind you were looking for, go for it! But if you’re only looking to change your relationship status so you don’t feel bad about being alone - it doesn’t sound like it’s worth it, does it?
Ultimately, it’s up to you. As long as you love yourself no matter what and accept yourself and your unchangeable worth as a human being, go and find your happiness whichever way you choose! And if you're struggling with any part of it, schedule a free consultation.