A friend of mine recently asked me this (don’t worry though - I did ask for her permission before deciding to write a whole article about it!). She expected an answer from me both as a professional and as a friend, and after we had that talk, I realized there are probably quite a few people around the world who could benefit from it, so - here it is.
If you’re at certain age and feeling like you’re missing out on something or like you’re falling behind because you haven’t had sex yet, that is completely understandable. Everywhere we go, all we see and hear about is sex: music, movies, dirty jokes, dirty magazines… During elementary school, our secondary sex characteristics kick in and our hormones start going crazy. And for a lot of people, even during that fairly early period in their lives, sex is always on their mind…
And don’t even get me started on middle school! Who slept with whom and who “took” whose virginity (as if that’s something you can just take and put in your pocket… but that’s a topic for some other time) is all the talk.
When you grow up listening to it all, when peers and society as a whole are telling you that you should definitely be sleeping with someone by the time you’re off for college, it’s no wonder you may feel like a lesser person for not having done it yet.
But guess what? There is definitely nothing wrong with you.
Why Do We Even Have Sex?
Let’s start by dissecting the motivation behind an intercourse. Different people have different motivations for having sex, and some have a combination of these. The most common ones, however, are urges, emotional connection, or simple peer-pressure.
Urges are the biological parts of our being, something we can’t really control. You can’t decide when you’ll get hungry any more than you can when you’ll get horny! We’re filled with hormones responsible for our sex drive - estrogen and progesterone when it comes to women - and depending on the day (how close to ovulation we are) they'll make the urge stronger or weaker.
Now, for some people, urges and physical attraction are enough, and that’s okay, too! I was never one to shame people for the amount of sex and/or one night stands they are having. When I crave ice cream, I go out and get it, so there’s nothing wrong with going out to get sex when you crave some!
But not all people are like that. A lot of us need not only strong sexual attraction towards someone in order to have sex: we need emotional connection, too.
The third reason is what drives a lot of young people to have sex for the first time, often before they are emotionally ready for it. So if you’re reading this, chances are you’ve made it through that phase and you didn’t give in to the peer pressure about what to do with your body - and good on you for that!
Why Being a Virgin Is Completely Okay
Now we come to the main part! Like I said before, a lot of us need emotional connection in order to want to have sex with someone. So if you’ve never been deeply in love, you might have wanted to wait on it. A lot of people will tell you “Well, it’s just sex, stop waiting for the perfect guy to come and do something so simple!” But your body is yours alone, and if you don’t want to have sex for the sake of having sex, but want to wait for someone who you’ll truly love - that’s a choice you have every right to make, and don’t let anyone else make it for you.
Side note: if you really, really want to have sex but firmly refuse to have it with anyone who is not perfect by your standards, then there is obviously a strong disagreement about it within yourself. If you’re okay with it, then great! But if you feel it’s causing you discomfort, and if you’re feeling angry at yourself or life in general, it’s something you can always talk about with a counselor. It still doesn’t mean there is something inherently wrong with you for being a virgin - it simply means you’re willing to work on achieving the maximum happiness for yourself.
“Okay, but there was this guy I was really in love with who I wanted to sleep with, and I still didn’t do it! Why?”
I would assume it's because there is another component to sexual attraction and emotional connection, and it’s just as important:
A lot of women don’t feel comfortable having sex (let alone for the first time!) with someone they’re not sure loves them, or who they think might not be in it for the long haul. If that was why you didn’t sleep with any guy so far - good for you for respecting your own preferences and boundaries!
Asexuality and Religion
Don’t think I’d skip this one! Around 1% of the population is asexual. This means you might want to be in a relationship with someone, but you do not feel any sexual attraction to anyone what-so-ever. And this isn’t something to be ashamed or afraid of. You are completely normal, and it’s something you can’t change, nor should you! There are plenty of things in life that bring us happiness, and you shouldn’t force yourself into sex just because society or someone in your life tells you you should.
Finally, if you’re saving yourself for marriage due to your religious beliefs, don’t let anyone convince you it’s wrong and it doesn’t belong in the 21st century. Be prepared that not everyone will be willing to wait the same way you will - no matter how much a man likes you, to him, sex may be more important.
And just like your beliefs and choices are legitimate, his are, too - that’s simply something you’ll have to learn to deal with if you choose such a path. At some point, you may decide that it simply isn’t working out, and you may choose to not wait any longer after all, and that is perfectly valid, too! But one thing you shouldn’t do is let anyone else dictate what you should do with your own body.
The Bottom Line
Is being a virgin at any age wrong, or does it mean there is something inherently wrong with you? Absolutely not. Whether you were never really in love, you didn’t trust anyone enough, or if you simply don’t feel any sexual attraction towards others, you’re still a valid human being with just as much inherent worth as anyone else.
But in life, you should always look to bring yourself more happiness. And while there is nothing wrong with being a virgin, if you want to change that status for your own sake but feel something is keeping you afraid or stuck in any other way, you can schedule a free consultation and we'll talk it out! Always remember that wanting pleasure and not feeling bad for being a virgin aren’t mutually exclusive.